Funny Vegan: New Year’s Resolutions

Happy New Year's from the Vegan Wifey! Cheers!

Written by Donat a/k/a The Vegan Hubby

How many years in a row have you promised yourself that THIS year your diet is undergoing a complete transformation? How many New Year’s Resolutions have you broken at the first sight of a cheeseburger? Make this year count with these (somewhat) helpful Resolution tips!

1) Fake it till you make it!

When people ask you how your New Year’s Resolution is going, tell them it’s going better than you ever imagined, even if it couldn’t be further from the truth! Yes you said you weren’t going to eat dairy anymore but you just chowed down enough cheese to feed a small French village. If the person you’re talking to did not directly see you do it, it never happened! The key is in the details. Make sure to let them know about all these exotic foods you’re eating. Name every green vegetable you can think of. Tell ‘em you feel like a million bucks, even if couldn’t run up a flight of stairs without wheezing like a freight train. If you make the story real enough, it will become a reality… if you live long enough.

2) It’s not your fault. Ever!

And it never was! All those previous years had nothing to do with you. Disregard any and all “new age” folks who keep trying to push their “personal accountability” beliefs down your throat. What do they know anyway? Sure they might be in great shape, can bounce a quarter on their back sides and have enough energy to power a city block. So what? They don’t have all the roadblocks that you do. I bet they’re not even subscribed to Netflix. And you still have a fridge full of frozen pizzas that simply cannot go to waste. They don’t have to know that you’ve been restocking those pizzas weekly. Accept no personal responsibility for where you are in life. Period.

3) If you can’t beat ‘em, berate them!

Tell all of the yaysayers what you think of their help and good intentions. For all those people who cheer you on and try to motivate you to really succeed on this year’s resolution, point out their faults so they realize that they should be spending their energies on themselves instead of on you. You have been doing just fine before they came along anyway. Ignore all of their arguments, especially logical ones! Those are the worst. Just be as unpleasant as possible and berate them until you have no friends left at all. This way no one can make you feel guilty about all of the things you could have but didn’t do. If your conscience nags you into feeling guilty too, then just eat your way into a food-induced mental coma. That’ll show it who’s boss.

4) There’s always next year!

Barring the high likelihood of a heart attack, you can always just scrap this year and double down on your promises to turn it all around next year. In fact, it’s saving you tons of mental energy by not fulfilling your resolution. If you did everything you said you would in your resolution, you would have to think of a whole new resolution next year. That’s a lot of mental energy that can be better suited ranting on Facebook. Plus if you succeed once, you might even get lucky and do it again. Now people will start to respect and rely on you and think you’re going to succeed for a 3rd, 4th year or more. Think of the pressure! Doesn’t all that pressure just want to make you want to binge eat or something? According to experts, binge eating is bad. Avoid the problem altogether by calling in a rain check for this year.

Use all of these tips wisely folks and remember that I’m not rooting for you! Happy New Year to all!

Do you have any other dynamite tips for New Year’s Resolutions like the ones listed above? Let us know in the comments!

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